A friend sent me this and it made me smile – thought I’d share.
Years ago I compiled a list of smart-aleck, sarcastic responses that I loved. Now mind, I would have liked to use each and every one of them, but I never would/did. I found the list back the other day while playing ‘pitch and toss’ (sorting though things to determine whether to keep or toss). They are tame now when compared to what I hear every day from younger people, but I still love them.
Perhaps I came by gathering this collection naturally. My father, who, even when we kids did something REALLY dumb, never made cutting comments (He didn’t have to. Usually a look was enough to make each of us children jump into line and feel like idiot.)
Nor do I remember him ever ‘badmouthing’ anyone. Even when a neighbor stole his brand new winter work coat, Dad’s only comment was, “He must have needed it worse than I did.” [Again consider those words in the light that: (1) the neighbor was quite well-to-do compared to our family since Dad and Mom worked a small farm and had multiple children, and (2) that coat, considering my parent’s income and expenses was probably a major expenditure.]
After Dad died while sorting the things he had kept over the years, I found a small booklet titled: “Snappy Comebacks”. I doubt Dad ever used any of them, but he still had the booklet after about 50 years.
Just like I still have my own list of “Snappy Comebacks” from more years ago than I care to count. And again, like Dad, I’ve never, nor will I, use them in conversation with someone else. Someday, though, when I can find an opportunity in my writing, each and every one of them will appear. I might even hunt up Dad’s booklet and use some of those!!
A couple of my favorites are: (1) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality, and (2) Does your train of thought have a caboose?
What about you? Any ‘snappy comebacks’ that you liked/loved?
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903–Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ===============
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. ===============
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young. ===============
In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 ===============
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna. ===============
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising. ===============
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake. ===============
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw. ===============
A lawyer’s epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange. ===============
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. ===============
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. ===============
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna, done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. ===============
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God. ===============
In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent, until I know which way you went.