10/20/2013 – WeWriWa

(WeWriWa) is a group of writers who agree to post 8 sentences [or 150 words of poetry] of either a published work or an unpublished work on their blog on Sunday. Those who have signed up (and anyone else) has the pleasure of traveling (virtually) to samples of different authors’ stories, novels, worlds etc. and enjoying their fantastic imaginations. Great fun!

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Opening of Stormhawk’s Warning – Let me know if this would keep your attention – or what stands out good/bad.

bluebirdThe pounding of a fist on his door jarred Ranger Captain Kaden awake as the bells tolled two candlemarks to midnight. At his command, “Come” the door slammed open so hard it bounced off the wall.

A breathless orderly shouted, “Messenger bird comin’, Prince Kaden.”

Kaden jumped from his bed. “Calm down, lad. Soften your voice or you’ll have everyone awake, if you haven’t woke them already. And I’ve told you before, it’s Capt’n, not Prince.”

By the flickering light of the orderly’s torch, Kaden threw on black breeches and matching tunic, and stomped feet into boots.

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If you enjoy the snippet – consider buying these:

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34 thoughts on “10/20/2013 – WeWriWa

  1. Love the feeling of rush and excitement from the messenger. I can just picture people covering their ears, grumbling in their beds from his noisy wake.

    How does someone shout breathlessly? Seems like the messenger would have to take a few gulps of air first.

  2. Well I see the earlier commenters have hit the points I might have brought up (especially re the hero’s title LOL)…I did enjoy the snippet and I would keep reading. My curiosity was up about what the message could be!

  3. Yup, really good start here Susan. I agree about the long name as you currently have it, though I understand the desire to get the titles in soon. Still, “soon” doesn’t have to mean within the first 50 words of chapter 1, or squeeze them all in the same sentence. But you’ll work it out, I have faith 🙂

    One more suggestion, if I could: Kaden tells the orderly to lower his voice to avoid waking anybody, but the way you describe his pounding on the door then slamming it open, I think that would be a bigger concern.

    I’d read more, too 🙂 I love fantasy!

  4. I think it’s a very exciting beginning. How about a comma in the title. Ranger Captain, Kayden. Or Ranger Captain, Prince Kayden. Another option would be to just call him the ranger captain and have the orderly call him “Prince Kayden”. That way you get it all in at the beginning but not in one mouthful. When it’s all in one title/name in the first sentence it makes the reader stop and think about it. You don’t want us to stop. I hope this is helpful.

  5. I can feel the urgency and energy between the two. I agree about the title but perhaps that can be introduced at other points of the story and you wouldn’t refer to him as that each and every time he’s on scene. I would read this 🙂

  6. I also think that title is way too long. You may want to bring in some of the information as you go along…do people actually call him that? Also, I felt like the second sentence would be stronger if broken into two. “Come,” he commanded. The door swung open, etc. That’s just my humble opinion. What’s the message going to be? I wonder : )

  7. Is it Ranger Captain Prince, or is his name Prince Kaden? If it’s the former, “Ranger Captain Prince” seems like a reeeaaaally long title!

    However, the rest of it has a definite sense of urgency that makes me want to keep reading. What is he anticipating from the messenger bird that might make the rest of the men nervous? Great eight, and looking forward to more!

    • Nora,
      Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed – and yes he is Ranger Captain Prince Kaden. Tried to just call him Kaden here, but then there were complaints that if he was a Ranger Captain and Prince that should have been revealed immediately. Dunno. Luckily it is still early stages, so there’s lots of time to consider.
      Susan

  8. It certainly has a sense of urgency and anticipation. My one niggle: as Kaden is trying to calm the messenger down and quieten him, I’d like to see that in his action too. So I suggest he doesn’t ‘jump’ out of bed, but simply gets out.

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