10/13 – WeWriWa

(WeWriWa) is a group of writers who agree to post 8 sentences [or 150 words of poetry] of either a published work or an unpublished work on their blog on Sunday. Those who have signed up (and anyone else) has the pleasure of traveling (virtually) to samples of different authors’ stories, novels, worlds etc. and enjoying their fantastic imaginations. Great fun!

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Opening of the poem: Fall of Azraelis – Let me know if this would keep your attention – or what stands out good/bad.

When trolls attacked far away in the north,Azraelis_3

The Galdonan army had been sent forth.

Protecting Azraelis the King assigned

To the Royal Guard, who remained behind.

At the north border, the army did fight.

They were unaware of Azraelis’ plight.

 

Off to the south, more enemies did come,

The tramp of feet, like the beat of a drum.

Urdow demanded they kill and they maim.

What they did not kill, they destroyed with flame.

Their duty to Urdow clear and defined:

Slay Azrael’s children–all you can find.

 

Light glinting on spear-tips, off in the east,

Signaled the approach of Urdow’s war beast.

Warning horns sounded from on top the wall.

Warriors rushed to respond to their call.

From across the land the Galdonans came.

They numbered too few. They’d fight just the same.

 

Halloween_line_1

 

 

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26 thoughts on “10/13 – WeWriWa

  1. I love this addition to the Kalieri world. Great job! My favorite line in this post is: “Signaled the approach of Urdow’s war beast.” – a frightening line. Then, when you follow up with: “They numbered too few. They’d fight just the same.” — that highlights the contrast and added powerful emotion. Can’t wait to read the rest.

    • Danielle
      Thanks for stopping by – so glad you liked it. Debating whether to include it with Jezrei’s story or not.

      Susan

    • Aubrey:
      🙂 Glad you liked it. This poem explains what is happen “outside” during Jezrei’s Justice (the poem is much, much longer but I could only post “X” words for WeWriWa).
      Susan

  2. Very great way of explaining what happened as a poem. It’s short but does the work. You might need a conclusion though but that depends of what follows.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Linda. Glad you enjoyed. This is just the first part of the poem – to stay within the word limit of WeWriWa.
      Susan

    • Sarah
      So glad you stopped by and that you liked the snippet. [happy dances in chair] I thoroughly enjoyed the snippets posted on your site for your books. I suspect my wallet will be a bit thinner soon.
      Susan

  3. Hey Susan – I was really excited to read your 8 this week! I love poetry in fantasy… It reminds me of Tolkien 🙂

    I have similar comments as others – the where/what was confusing at first, mostly because I’m not familiar with the proper nouns yet. I think it depends on what you intend to use this for. If it’s for exposition, I would recommend adding a stanza at the very beginning, to show us the lay of the land. What are the kingdoms/territories involved? What were they like? If you’re not using it for exposition, just to supplement what your readers already know, then I think it works beautifully.

    It’s a wonderful ballad 🙂 Thanks for sharing! I’m excited to read more next week.

    • Alex
      Thanks for stopping by and for the lovely compliments and insights. This is more of a stand-alone to give a bit of backdrop to the events of Kaserie’s Choice.
      Susan

  4. Absolutely enjoyable. I love fantasy, especially epic types that span countries 🙂 This part works really well though I have just a couple suggestions. I want to be clear, though, that I think you did a wonderful job with this. It’s hard to fit the right words to convey the right thoughts into the right rhymes all at the same time!

    Suggestions: “When trolls attacked far away in the north,
    The Galdonan army had been sent forth.”
    …This reads just a bit “off” to me. I expected the second line to read “were sent forth”; to my eye, “had been” seems like that happened longer ago than the trolls attacking. Of course taking out a syllable would change the rhythm and I don’t have an idea for fixing that, but you’re pretty capable at working with these things.

    Also: “Urdow demanded they kill and they maim.
    What they could not kill, they destroyed with flame.”
    …This strikes me as a bit confusing. Why couldn’t they kill everything? They’re a rampaging army. Why would fire work when other ways wouldn’t? If I think further about it, I believe I know what you mean, but you want readers to pick up your meanings quickly so they don’t get tossed out of the wonderful world you’re creating 😀

    • Marcia
      Great ideas and I agree totally with the “had been” – but couldn’t come up with a way to make it work with “were”. Thanks for all the great insights and help.
      Susan

    • Karen
      Thanks for stopping by. So pleased you enjoyed and I do plan on posting all of it on the website – probably in November 🙂
      Susan

    • Jess
      Thanks for stopping by and so glad you enjoyed. I’m not normally a poetry person either but I always enjoyed the “ballad” type poems.
      Susan

  5. After the first stanza, I paused, trying to figure out Azraelis’ plight…of course you answer that in the next two stanzas, but it interrupted my reading flow.

  6. “Off to the south, more enemy did come,”

    I’d change this to “more enemies did come.”

    “They numbered too few. They’d fight just the same.”

    I might put a “but” to combine those sentences. “They numbered too few, but they’d fight just the same.” Or maybe, “They numbered too few; they’d fight just the same.” It still works even if you leave it alone, though!

    Otherwise, I think it’s a good historical account of recent events that would set up the story without being heavy on the exposition. You could make it part of a bard’s famous account, or something. I enjoyed it!

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